30 July 2011

Tina Tina made these doorbells.

This is dedicated to my littlest sister and partner in crime, Miss Kitty Madness. She's even more of an awful person than I am.

And I just get such a strong feeling of satisfaction when I actually completely chase them off the site.

Always with the threesomes.

This couple gets credit for realizing at that point that I was clearly a moron and not worth their time.

I'm everything you dislike. Clearly you should keep trying.

28 July 2011

Occasionally, I get a message I just can't mess with.

Chances are this guy is a bag of douche, too, but you know what? He tried. He put effort into messaging my fake profile, which he assumed was just someone being silly but maybe still mildly serious. I couldn't bring myself to mess with him by messaging him back. And he's right, I've gotten many boring messages. I honestly don't know how many more different responses I can come up with to "hi how r u."

The Repeater

And then, would you believe it, he stopped messaging me! The outright sexual ones don't usually give up so easily. Apparently it's only cool to have sex toys used on you by a lady, and not to use them on other men.

And sometimes, I just spew nonsense.

It's not usually met well.

These were quotes my roommate was saying as I answered messages. Except that last one, I literally have no idea where that came from.

27 July 2011

I can't make this shit up.

Okay, I totally can, and I do. But I swear I did not make this one up. This guy is actually legit, and that scares me.
Yeah. I'd hate to be that guy's "cousin sister."

25 July 2011

Sometimes, I'm just rude.

The last one would have crossed the mean threshold, but their default picture was one of those swirled Photobooth pictures.

Jenny, I got your number

I am truly surprised at how many people do not recognize this number as being fake.

Two different people, not a single clue. Next I'm gonna start giving out the number I saw plastered all over billboards for GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS DIRECT TO YOU in Vegas. I remember it, see, because it was a funny and immature number. And I gave it to someone as my number while we were there.


This post is dedicated to a good friend of mine.

And for real, who refers to themselves as an ideological vagrant? Wtf, mate?

What not to do when dealing with underaged girls

I decided to try implying that I was still in high school to a few people. I have varied responses, which I'll probably get around to posting at some point, but there are two that I'd like to use as examples. To any guys who read this blog and use online dating for real - if a girl implies that she is still in high school, and therefore likely underage or extremely close to it, there are two ways to respond. First:
See what this guy did? He asked a question to confirm his suspicions, and then he walked away. This is the correct response. Now, we'll move on to the incorrect response:
Strong enough yet?
So then, of course, I had to go a little farther. For science, and all.
Yep. Tomorrow we'll get into what happens when little Ashleigh's stepfather finds her online dating account open on her computer and takes it away until she learns to stop being such a skank bitch whore like her mother. For real, it's coming in another post, I promise.

Do you have a best friend? Does he have a fluffy coat, too?

Dedicated to Buddy the elf.

21 July 2011

It's my one week Blogaversary!

A BLOGAVERSARY??!! How romantic!!

I just thought I'd share some quick stats on the first week of CaRI, because I find them interesting. For example, this blog has gotten nearly 1000 views in just one week. Woah. I was expecting something along the lines of 100. But hey, if you like it and it entertains you, by all means, spread the news, y'all.

Overall views to date: 975
OkCupid's analysis of average visitors to my profile per week: 111. This makes no sense because:
Number of messages from different people that I have received: ~180. I can't get an exact number, because I delete them after screenshotting the interesting ones and deleting the ones that don't make the cut. But given that I've got conversations from 93 people saved on my computer and currently have 67 in my inbox, plus inflating for the ones I've just straight up deleted, I think it's a good estimate.
People who have called me a bitch on OkCupid: Surprisingly, just one.
People who have called me a bitch on this blog: Surprisingly, none. ONE!
Country in which this blog is most popular: The United States (shocker)
Country in which this blog is second most popular: Malaysia (Hello, Malaysians.)
People I have seen with Nazi tattoos this week: One.
Number of times I could have had casual sex this week, if I lived where my profile says I do: Countless
Number of times I have wanted to have casual sex this week: Zero.

Gotta catch 'em all (and you're not making it easy)

I don't understand these guys the most

It started out like any other conversation:

I'm fairly certain I made up pubic acne, but you never really know. Super gonorrhea is real, a fact that I know thanks to my 11th grade Christian Morality class, in which all we learned about were STDs and identifying sociopaths. But, of course, three STDs, a murderous boyfriend, and not believing in birth control are not enough to sway the affections of the OkCupid male. It's like true love.

This is the part that I seriously don't understand. After the STDs, the allusions to being a used-up porn star, and the insult to his "python" (which I doubt is 10 inches long, btdubs), he clearly realizes that I'm full of shit. And yet, he thinks that somehow HE'LL be the one to convince me to "roll the dice," mostly by talking up his skills in the sack. And he is definitely not the only guy to talk himself up to me like this. If you have to talk yourself up on a dating site, I kinda doubt you're actually all that good. I also really doubt that even a tenth as many guys who claim to be fantastic lovers actually are. Honestly, does any girl believe this? Am I supposed to go "Well, you claim to be good at it, so let's bang!"

Does this approach ever work?

Angry Nerds

20 July 2011

The Laundry Excuse

This is the worst excuse ever to get out of something if you live somewhere with a washer and dryer, unless that something requires leaving your residence for longer than an hour. You know why? Because this is how laundry goes:

STEP 1: Load washer. Estimated time: 2 minutes.

STEP 2: Wait for washer to finish. Estimated time: 40 minutes.

STEP 3: Load dryer, and washer if you have another load to do. Estimated time: 2 minutes.

STEP 4: Wait for dryer to finish. Estimated time: 70 minutes.

Unfortunately, I can't actually take credit for making up this one. My ex used to use this excuse often to avoid having sex with me. And somehow, I was still shocked when I found out he was gay.


This conversation was too long, and the guy was boring and not even making for any good blog material. So I took a direct approach.

I will never understand how this could be construed as a yes.

Dedicated to my favorite little cartoon robot

Like peanut butter and jelly

Ok, maybe I'm not so good with emoticons

I cannot tell you how good it is to know that I'm attractive enough to get away with being stupid if looking for casual sex on a dating site.

18 July 2011

Now that she's been released and all...

Internet Perverts, Part 2

Remember Merv? I think he and David should meet each other.

Disclaimer: This post is grossly NSFW.

Disclaimer 2: Don't try to gross out people on the internet, because they will beat you.

There is nothing attractive to me (and most people, I believe) about pooping. And even less about telling some rando on the interwebs that you're pooping. But just my luck, I happened to say this to someone who was an outlier.
See? When in doubt, bring up the devil. Or the baby Jesus. They both work wonders for killing conversations. But this dude was already riled up.
I am not being encouraging, here, am I? Maybe I'm alone here, but if I was to say dirty sexual things to someone online, I'd want to know they were wanted.
Fun Fact! I have a cousin who may or may not actually be allergic to semen. Not so fun fact: the unwanted messages kept coming. As with Merv, I gave up.