14 July 2011

The Plot

This is a social experiment.

Ha. That's what I would say, if I was trying to make myself feel better about this. Or if I was trying to turn this into a thesis. In reality, I've grown bored with the internet, and I've decided to remedy this. I have decided to experiment with the world of online dating.

Now, I've amused myself with the dating world for some time now. As a decently attractive young woman, I have my fair share of men trying to start something. As a rather creative cynic who hates dating and finds people terribly entertaining, I've enjoyed creating all sorts of alter egos for myself when hit on at various locations just to see how I can push people's buttons. It helps that I act a lot on the side. Former roles have ranged from a two-months pregnant bachelorette who does not believe in fetal alcohol syndrome to a fifteen year old accepted early into college (this one ended particularly badly).

I'm fully aware that it's cruel. But the more ridiculous I make my lies, the more I just can't hold myself responsible. If someone believes me when I tell them that I'm an immortal demi-god who can control major events in the world with my thoughts (I am not making this up), they've got it coming to them.

Which brings me to online dating. Yesterday, I created a profile on OkCupid. I uploaded three pictures of myself. One, my default, in which I look normal. The second, in which my face is covered in fake blood. And the third, in which I am a zombie. The intent was to establish that I am not taking this site seriously while also allowing any browsers to still realize at first glance that I'm decently attractive.

Second, I filled out my profile. Instead of trying too hard to create awful answers to all of the OkCupid prompts, I filled in every section with an unrelated reference to or quote from Teen Girl Squad (if you have not seen this, check it out. It's through homestarrunner.com). I filled in the quick details about myself with obvious lies, including claiming to be 7'11" tall and every single ethnicity option available, despite being clearly Caucasian in my pictures.

Next came the match questions. OkCupid matches users based on questions voted most important by users. I answered roughly 100 questions, making sure to choose what I thought to be the most unattractive answer to men for all, and providing ridiculous explanations whenever I could. This included strongly insinuating that I kill my ex-lovers, claiming to love children in a sexual way, and occasionally, just typing something completely unrelated IN ALL CAPS LIKE THIS.

I'm 100% convinced that any smart person who reads through my profile could not possibly take it seriously. I have covered all my bases. My experiment was to see if I would still bring in the messages, despite all this, based on the fact that I still appear to be an attractive woman. I assumed I would bring in the occasional moron.

I was wrong. I gave the online dating world too much credit. In the less than 24 hours since creating my profile, I have already received messages from 49 different men. Of those 49, only 5 have given any indication that they realize my profile is purely ridiculous. And of those 5, 3 still attempted to hit on me. And so, this blog was born.

Since I am now taking this social experiment public, I decided to set some rules. They are as follows:

1. I will respond to every single message I get, unless it is a message calling me out on my lies. Extended conversations will only end when a guy decides to stop messaging me or calls me out.

2. I will never respond truthfully to anything.

3. The IM feature of the site does not count as messaging, and I will likely ignore it.

4. I will not reveal any personal information in regards to anyone who messages me.

5. I will take requests when it comes to ways to lie to/scare away men. I like to think I have plenty of creative ideas for this myself, but hey, I can always use some new ones.

That's all I can think of for now, but I'll add more if the need arises. And with that, let the games begin!

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