16 July 2011

Internet Perverts, Part 1

I cannot stress enough how inappropriate this post is. If you have a sensitive stomach, or sensitive lady parts or man bits, do not read ahead. I repeat, DO NOT read ahead.

On to regularly scheduled business: I have received many messages so far that are sexual in nature. This is to be expected, I suppose. They range from subtle and hinting to just all out explicit. I have two methods of dealing with the explicit ones, both centered around acting like a small child. They are:

Method 1: Act like you just have absolutely no idea what is going on. This is not the best example of this, but something along these lines:

Method 2: Act completely and utterly grossed out by the thought of anything sexual, as obnoxiously as possible.

Now, in the case of this guy, who we'll call Merv, I thought this would be a strong enough message of NO. But as keeps happening on this site, I was wrong. Shortly after sending this message, he IM'd me on the site. I've since turned off the IM feature due to it being incredibly annoying, but we did manage to have a brief conversation before I did. Poorly paraphrased, it went something like this:

MERV: hey sexy i dont wanna offend just trynna play it straight i wanna bone you
ME: aha straight blah blah insinuation of gayness
MERV: oh man no way blah homophobia i'm so super straight love me the ladies woah defensive etc
ME: you sure about that?
MERV: so super sure ew mansex gross why would you even say that
ME: because i'm biologically male
MERV: um wut no yous totes a sexy lady
ME: oh, i'm def a woman. i just happened to be born male.
MERV: but you look like you have teh boobiez
ME: i have really good implants, yo. but i havent had the down under surgery yet
MERV: haha wow i'm totes still attracted to you
MERV: i still wanna bone you
MERV: i'm open minded
MERV: i wanna get together
MERV: lets make this happen
MERV: please
MERV: omg ur so hot just let me bang you

In case you hadn't noticed, I stopped responding. I really thought telling an obvious homophobe that I had a dick would work. Always with the overestimating. I really ought to know better already. Anyways, it didn't end there:

Since having a dick didn't help get rid of this guy, I started playing the "quote whatever's on television" game. These are lines from Jerseylicious, an awful show my little sister (and partner in crime) loves. And yet, it continues.

WOAH! Talk about forward! Especially when you're receiving zero encouragement, or even replies that make any amount of sense. I mean, what? Oh, and these lines in order are from Family Feud, an old preteen show called Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide (I'm not ashamed to admit I love this show), and Gilmore Girls (I am ashamed to say this was on).

Um, gross. To each their own and all, but that was definitely uncalled for in this conversation. Nasty, yo. These lines are from Gilmore Girls again, the Glee Project (possibly the worst thing ever on television), and then I think Gilmore Girls again. I stopped responding out of hopelessness and thought I had put this behind me, but lo and behold, I received a new message a few hours later:
Ok, I had thought. Maybe I'm just not being gross enough. I had just seen a commercial for that show Taboo, in which there was something like this. In hindsight, using it was a bad idea. I should have waited for something less sexual (however gross) to be on. I stopped responding to anything he sent me at all after this one. But you know, for a guy that was so super into women and women only at the beginning of our chats, he certainly came full circle, all the way to wanting to suck my nonexistant cock. I think I might have helped someone finally come out of their denial.

It's a warm, fuzzy feeling. I'm such a revolutionary.

(In reality, I'm just super grossed out. Damn nature, you scary.)

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