Smartness

Dead fish?

This does not sound appealing.

Such a sexy spinal column you've got there

This is a new one.

5000 messages a day

Then why wouldn't you at least attempt to say something interesting? Sigh.

Another great first message.

Straight to the Point

Fascinating.

This isn't TIL, people.

Do you use bananas nefariously?

That's racist.

But Clark Kent is already enough of a nymph for me

Nice specificity!

Seriously, this gives me nothing to work with.

Two or more of the above

Is that supposed to be a compliment?

I'll watch you while you sleep and impregnate you with my demon spawn baby.

Cracks me up every time

I also don't have time for a grudge match with every poser in a parka, but that didn't have enough of the letter s.

That must make it hard to wear shoes

Married.

Yes, I can tell you know how to treat and respect a woman by the way you're going behind your wife's back. Very classy, douchebag.

I'm not as dumb as you think that I thought that I was once

Twizzlers are pretty nasty, y'all

Can't keep this guy down

Solid Opener.

Finally! Someone who would!

ChristiansMingle.com

Nothing sexier than a guy who can't use technology

Desperate and Lonely

PHYSICS

Redundancy is redundant.

This is why the pegging strategy sometimes backfires

No, thank you.

Not even once.

Internet Perverts, Part 3

All of the following messages are unsolicited first messages from guys. I am not making this up. Warning: this post is incredibly graphic. So if you're one of my little sisters, stop reading this and go read your Bible instead.

SERIOUSLY, YOU GUYS. Who does this? Who sends messages like this to people completely unsolicited? I mean, I can maybe see sending a message like this if someone asked you to send them a dirty message, but just out of the blue? Imagine you have a real okcupid profile and not a fake one like mine, and you log on all happy-like only to discover OH GOD WHY. I mean, COME ON.

Oh, but I did receive an apology from the last guy.

 

Lawlz. No.

Just say NO, y'all.

Hell of an opening line there, champ. Enjoy your STDs.

kinky art lust party time now?

The blank section in the middle is where they gave me, a complete stranger on the internet, all of their personal information, including address and phone number. I guess you want as many unique art love music creators as possible at your erotic cool kinky art lust parties, amiright?

You and me both, pal.

Many of my friends also wish I would find a nice girl, Alan. 

At least you used the correct spelling of "loose."

Caught in the act

If only I still had the message he sent me.

I actually really enjoy pick-up lines

A shame he no longer has an account, because I was totally digging that shit.

I don't know, really.

This is a fluke. I'm a 0% match with everyone. But I do have nice hair, y'all.

It's true :(

Honestly not sure what to believe

Accio Delete Button

I'm back!

Not sure for how long, but I recently checked my profile, and some messages were too good to not post.

Trolling done right.

Seacaptaindate.com


They only have top-quality, grade A seacaptains.

The Final Experiment

I think it's rather obvious at this point that I've grown exceptionally bored and jaded of this blogging venture. It was fun for some time, but everything gets old eventually. I wanted to go out with a bang, though, so I decided to perform one last test of the users of okcupid.

I modified my profile. For those unfamiliar with the profile design of the site, there is a section all the way at the bottom titled "You should message me if..." I added to my previous nonsensical answer something that would paraphrase to "You should not message me. This profile is solely for the purposes of feeding content into my blog, in which I make fun of people that message me on here. If I respond, it's only trolling. And if you think you and I are gonna hit it off because I'm a troll, you're deluded."

Basically, I put a very truthful disclaimer at the very bottom of my profile, not unlike the warnings on cigarettes or condoms. The following is every single message I received over the next ~36 hours. Be warned, it's gonna be a long post.

Oh, and I'll save my commentary for the end.

In summary: Some people got it. Most clearly didn't. And of those that got it, I'm fairly certain most of them were still expecting to hit it off with me. One of the above messages I sincerely hope is another troll, but as is evidenced by the rest of this blog, you can never really tell with the online dating crowd.

Goodbye for now, blogosphere. I hope I've left you with a good laugh and poor outlook towards the human race.